Last week of January 2021

The last week of January always gives us great pause.

It brings to us a heavy heart as we are reminded that another year has passed without our beloved Stray Cat. 

We honored him last year at the two year mark: Two Years

We honored him the year before, at the one year mark: One Year

And here we are, at year three, and it seems still so incredibly sad. There is a huge part of our hearts that wants to not remember, to not recognize the anniversary, to just eat ice cream, and take a walk and not talk about it.

Last week of January. 

The month went fast. The year before went slow.  

If you pray, please say a pray for our friend, Michele, who on the anniversary of Stray's passing, we also recognize and honor the loss of her sweet Myles.

To make a donation in honor of Myles, please do so here: https://www.kidsandcars.org/
Thank you.

Hug your loved ones tight. 

Purr & Paw,

-Stivali. 🐾

Our belief in brightness is what guides us through the darkness. - Sunta. 

Two Years

At 4:45pm today, it will officially be two years since Stray Cat tragically passed away.

Mamma marked one year in this blog post.

This year, she is letting me do the writing.

On (what turned out to be) Stray Cat's last day, I kept him company in the sun room while mamma was at work. She came home early to finish her work day from home. We followed her into the dining room, and stayed with her while she worked. My big brother's breathing was labored, and mamma got very concerned that he had too much fluid on his lungs.

She took him to the animal hospital for another chest-tap so they could remove that fluid in hopes he would feel better. She seemed a bit frantic, and very sad. She reassured me they would both be home soon.

Two hours later mamma returned with Stray's empty carrier. She was sobbing so hard I did not know what to do to help her.

Since that day, Stray Cat has never returned home. I felt depressed that Stray Cat wasn't home anymore, and I did not really understand why - but the answers to all of my questions were not as important as making sure mamma got up in the morning and to not leave her alone when she would cry. Naturally, I did my best to give mamma more affection, and pay more attention to her needs.

I did not know what to make of all of this. I still don't. The emptiness we both still feel and the new silence that is ever so present in our home because of Stray Cat's absence.

Stray was a good big brother to me. As soon as I arrived, he treated me like a baby sister and took me under his paw and showed me the ropes of life in Florida.

Today is a solemn day.

January 26 will always be for us. Eight years prior to Stray Cat passing on this date, Myles crossed over into heaven. Our only solace is that they are together with Jesus, playing, having fun, and just waiting to see us all again.

To make a donation in honor of Myles, please do so here: https://www.kidsandcars.org/
Thank you.

Hug your loved ones, Readers, hug them often.
-Stivali. 🐾

What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us. -Helen Keller.

One year.

One year. A post written by Stray Cat's mom. Stivali will return to her blog writing in February. 

Why do we recognize sad anniversaries? Is it just in our nature to know? 

Every 26^th day of each of the past 11 months, I was very aware that it was indeed the 26^th – and as the clock ticked to 4:45 on each Friday afternoon after the 4:45 of Friday, January 26th that Stray Cat dramatically died – I knew. I calculated, “one week”, “two weeks”, “three weeks” – it is painful yet inherent. I could not even help it, I did not want to recognize it, I did not want to acknowledge it, but just like how my mental alarm clock wakes me up at 5:15 every morning, regardless of me having to get up to go to work on that particular day, my brain, my heart, my body, my soul… knew.

Why do we recognize sad anniversaries? Do we even have a choice?

I made no plans on this one year marker. Anyone who asked me to do something today I declined. I did not tell them why. I just declined. Made plans for Friday the 25^th, made plans for Sunday the 27^th. But Saturday. Saturday, January 26, 2019. No. No plans. No thank you. Because I had no idea how I would feel when I woke up. Knowing. Knowing one year passed.

I do not feel any crappier or any less crappy than I have felt every single day since 4:45pm Friday, January 26, 2018. The day I took my beautiful Maine Coon for a routine chest-tap – a chest-tap that is routine for cats with Congestive Heart Failure. A procedure he had a few months prior and came out like a champ. The day marks the day I took my cat to the doctor to feel better. Not to die.

Yet, that is what happened that day.

Am I in a depression? Maybe, maybe not – because I push through. I get up and get out of bed every day when I rather pull the covers up over my head. And stay there. All day long. 

I get up, I do yoga. I meditate. I get ready for work. I go to work and function like a living self-sufficient human. I exercise after work. I cook. I eat. I see my friends. I visit family. I go back to bed. And I sleep (most nights). 

So, I think that is something to celebrate: I am pushing through.

In every day that has passed since my beautiful cat tragically died, I have been trying to focus on rejoicing about his life, and I have tried (most of the times, failing) to not focus on how shocking and heartbreaking it was to witness his death.

I guess it is all part of the grieving process. You push through. People say, “It’ll get better.” But I know that is a lie. I have pushed through before after losing a loved one, and it never ever got better. It just altered my world.

Life becomes different, and we figure out how to live with the difference – it is never ever better. Just different.

No, Google Photos, we did not need a reminder. 😩
Photo in left corner of his fuzzy paws was taken after he took his last breath. 

I am grateful that this little Stray Cat walked into Abbracci and chose me.
I am grateful for the 10 years, 09 months, and 02 days we had.

Today, I will focus on those facts.

Thank You, Lord, for surrounding me with Your goodness and mercy even today as I grieve. - Psalm 23:6

7 months feels like a lifetime...

Mamma and I do not like knowing how much time has passed since my big brother died.
The 10-15 minutes before his death were traumatic and Mamma replays it over and over in her mind and it is debilitating.

I am trying to be more fun for her so she is not so sad.

I still don't like being held, which I know is hard for her since she was accustomed to how much my big brother liked being carried around in her arms.

Do you know he died in her arms? That was his favorite place to be.

I hope she realizes that and finds comfort in knowing he would not have wanted it any other way.
She is sad because she felt numb as he was crossing. She wasn't even petting him and was only holding him - both motionless. 
A sadness she cannot get out of her mind. 

Today is August 26. Marking 7 months. We have now been living in our new home longer than Stray Cat was alive in it. That feels depressing.

It is a warm summer day, we have the windows open and doors open; screens allow me to breathe in fresh air.  I smell lotsa smells from outside.  Smells I know Stray Cat would lift his little nose to. We are sad that he is not here to enjoy the new town, the new house, and all it has to offer us on such a warm summer day.

We wonder if he can see us from heaven. If he knows how sad we are without him here. We wonder if he realizes how much we love him still and how much we ache in his absence.  He provided both of us such joy. He was such a funny affectionate loving cat.  We miss him. We hope he knows how much we love him - and pray he realized it when he was here with us. 

I try to make mamma laugh. I bring her Verdi daily.  I hide under Stray Cat's blanket on his favorite orange chair. I try to do silly things so I can hear her laughing.  I do not cuddle with her, but I do sit near her every day.  I even go to bed next to her although I won't touch her.  Hopefully, she knows I love her, and this is how I show it. 

Where's Stivali? 

There she is! 

I am a good hider.

Cute old photo of my big brother, Stray Cat.

This is me and my big brother when I first moved in with them back in 2010.

There's a really beautiful song our friend, Lynda, told us about. It helps.  Here are some of the lyrics... and a YouTube video so you can hear it if you wanna: YouTube video

"Honey, I thought you should know, that I'm in a hurry. I've got to move up north, but it's just temporary. I really tried not to lie. But this burdens getting heavy. No, you can't come with me this time, you got your own destiny.

But Heaven's not too far away, I know someday you'll visit. And I didn't think I'd go this way, can I please have one more minute? No honey, I don't want to go, please know that I have to. I think it's time I go home. 

Yes, I can still hear your voice. Sounds just like it did. And I can still feel your hand
When it touches my skin."

Hug the ones you love tightly.

Purr & Paw,
-Stivali.

It did not feel like summer this year.

This summer went very fast.
It rained a lot so it wasn't a very nice summer.
Mamma and I were sad without Stray Cat, and rain doesn't help us very much.

One thing that helps me is Verdi. Who I wrote about previously.

Mamma tries to record me often. And I do not cooperate. I stop doing whatever she wants to record as soon as I catch her recording me. I am sneaky like that.

This is the best she can get:
Verdi & Stivali Clip

Enjoy the rest of your summer, Readers.
Purr and Paw,
-Stivali.

Six Month Mark

Today marks six months since my big brother, Stray Cat, wento visit Kismet and Zoe in Heaven with plans to never come back.

My ma and I have been extremely sad. And ma has been buying things to keep him close to her heart. See evidence below: 

I do believe she considers me a non-human person.

I never knew life without my brother.  I was born and he was already here.  I did not realize I would have to know life without him.  It kinda sucks learning and living in this new life.  No matter the time that passes, it doesn't really get better. I hate how we make notice of the calendar and of how many days, weeks, and months have passed.  Today is six months, and it is pretty awful. I wish we weren't paying attention to the days without him - but it is so hard not to. I miss my brother.  We used to nap together, a lot. Some times right up against each other, but more often like this:

Readers, do you see me? 

Even though ma and I saw this coming, it did not prepare us for the pain which would follow.  We are still sad. We talk about him like he is still here, and he is still here - in our hearts.

You may already realize, I am not much of a cuddler. Okay, fine, I am NOT a cuddler.  I know ma would love it if I would wake her like this  (see below photos), but it is just not my personality.  I am way more of an independent-want my space-type of cat. Maybe one day I would do this for her, but if we are really honest here,  since my paws would not be the same as Stray Cat's fuzzy paws, it won't ever be done. *Sorry, Mamma! 🙀

Ma would be so embarrassed if she knew I posted this pic.🐱

Well, Big Brother, if you have a web browser and internet access up there, I hope you are reading this and okay with me taking over your blog. Give St Francis a hug from me. We miss you a lot.  Life won't ever be the same without you here in it.  

Purr & Paw,
-I was a little sister once.

A note from Stray Cat's Mamma

I miss you, Stray Cat, every day.
I love you, Stray Cat, every day.
I am sorry, Stray Cat, if I am the reason you passed away - by taking you to the doctor in hopes for an additional chest-tap to help relieve your pain - but your sweet little heart could not take the stress and that is why you are not here today.
I miss you.

Heard this Blake Shelton song today and it is from me, for you:

"I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

'Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you

There's more here than what were seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you, yeah

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

'Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you
He gave me you."

I am certain, God gave me you, Stray Cat, for the ups and downs - and I am so grateful to have had you in my life for 10 years, 09 months, and 02 days. My only wish is that it could have been forever.

I love you and miss you every single day.

How you would wake me up... Miss this...

You always made me laugh so much... Miss that.

Grieve not...

"Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk of me as though I were still beside you. I loved you so... it was heaven here with you."

One month ago today, at 4:45pm EST, I went to heaven.

My ma cries all of the time - even a month in - she can't seem to get used to the idea - or doesn't want to. A "new normal" is what she is waiting for, however, we all know, life will never be the same for her again.

My sister, Stivali, says she'll eventually pick up writing this blog. In the mean-time, my sister still looks for me, and is very sad. Her and mamma are still in mourning.

Ma was crying so much the day she watched me pass away; she was so angry and sad that she couldn't make me stay on earth anymore.  I heard her tell someone that her heart is broken, and that it will be broken forever.  I am sad she feels this way. I loved her so - and I know she loved me, and did the best she could for me.

It is not easy to leave the ones you love behind. It is harder on them than it is for me. I was tired, and a cure was not available for me.  For the couple of weeks leading up to my death, I had not been acting like my normal, affectionate, and fun self. I had a lot of trouble breathing, a lot of difficulty getting comfortable, and it was exhausting.  I was not friendly anymore, I did not feel like cuddling or playing. It made ma and Stivali very sad to witness (ma was crying often!). So, I knew it was time. Time for me to allow God to put his arms around me and introduce me to St Francis of Assisi.  The animal lover and protector.

Mamma keeps rehashing the horrific last half hour of my life, but I need her to stop doing that. I want her to only think of me as healthy and happy, and totally in love with her and the life she gave me.  I can see from where I am, that she is trying.  To help her heal through this, she looks at old photos of me.  She is trying very hard to get to the point of celebrating my life rather than grieving over it. She is just not there yet...

Here are some of her favorite photographs.

Getting ready to move from Lakeland, Florida to Winter Haven, Florida: October 2009.

Me with Zoe Girl in June 2009, we are now reunited in Heaven. 💗

My sister and I really like looking out windows. New Jersey: September 2013.

Lounging in Lakeland: 2009. 

Winter Haven, some time in 2011.

Happy window watching in New Jersey: April 2012. 

Me and my older bro, Kismet, in Ocala, Florida: June 2008.  We are together again in Heaven. 💗

Ma would not want me sharing this photo, but she secretly loves it of me: February 2012. 

Impossible for her to continue her writing with the two of us on her screaming, "Pay attention to us!!": December 2016.

Helping mamma study: April 2016.

I am adorable here: January 2016.

In Winter Haven, Florida. Something surprised me!: October 2011.

Modeling ma's Taylor Swift Cat Keds: June 2015.

Most comfortable condo ever: September 2013.  Aren't I funny? 🐱 

Of course there are many more. After all, I was mamma's Prince Charming for 10 years, 09 months, and 02 days. You think she doesn't have more photos of me? She has a thousand times a thousand.

But I have the best pictures of us. They're in my heart, soul, & mind. They'll be with me forever.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

"Let us not despair. God is like a looking glass in which souls see each other. The more we are united to Him by love, the nearer we are to those who belong to Him." -  Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, Patron Saint of Grief.

Test Results & Weight Update

On Monday, my ma dropped me off at the animal hospital on her way to work.
She left me there all day while she was at her office.
At the animal hospital, they completed an ultrasound, and I was examined by a cardiologist.
The cardiologist drained 200 milliliters (0.0528344 US liquid gallon) of fluid out of my chest cavity.

They received my blood work & thyroid test results from Saturday.  My body is handling the medicines I am on and I do not have any issue with my kidneys.  The doctor increased my dosage of the diuretic I am on. 

I will be reexamined in three weeks: x-rays, blood pressure test, blood work.

My medicines are now: Morning = .625 mg Pimobendin (CHF medicine to strengthen muscular contractions of the heart & dilate blood vessels)
                                                         2.50 mg Enacard (CHF & blood pressure medicine)
                                                         20    mg Lasix (diuretic)
                                       Mid-day = 10    mg Lasix
                                       Evening = 10     mg Lasix
                                                         .625  mg Pimobendin
                                                         1.25  mg Enacard

My weight history since diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure: 

DATE:       WEIGHT:

March 19, 2016            21.70

April 08, 2016              20.50

Aug 01, 2016               19.11

Aug 16, 2016               19.04

 Jan 24, 2017                19.04

  March 27, 2017            19.06

 May 14, 2017               18.50

 Aug 10, 2017               17.90

 Aug 23, 2017               17.80

 Sept 30, 2017              16.80

I feel okay, tired mostly, trying not to be sad. 
My sister was mean to me until Thursday - hating my scent upon returning from the animal hospital.

Your continued prayers and good thoughts are a blessing to me. Thank you for them.

Status on Living with Congestive Heart Failure

Yesterday, my ma took me for my bi-annual routine blood work to determine what impact all these medicines are having on my organs. Specifically, my kidneys, since I am on a diuretic, Lasix.
The doctor asked my ma if I always breathe so heavy.
I usually don't at home, she tells the doctor - and explains that my breathing heavy is due in part to all the dogs barking and being at the animal hospital which causes anxiety.
The doctor did not buy it and asked permission to do X-Rays.
Ma agreed.

To our sadness, there appears to be a lot more fluid on my lungs when the X-Rays are compared to the ones taken in January.

The doctor suggests draining it with a small needle, to help me feel more comfortable. She did not think that Lasix alone would help my heavy breathing.  And we can't up the dosage without first getting the blood test results.

Sadly, they could not do the drainage at that time and asked us to return to the animal hospital in four hours.

Interesting to note - that during the time spent at home relaxing, my breathing returned to completely normal and was no longer labored.

Regardless, we went back to the doctor's at the scheduled time. Ma waited for 30 minutes while two different doctors attempted to drain out the water.

First they shaved one side of me, stuck me with a needle - failed, and then shaved the other side of me, to stick me on that side with a needed - and that too failed.

They asked us to come back first thing Monday morning so I could be seen by a cardiologist and have an ultrasound done. The X-Rays show the fluid - assuming it is around the lungs and my heart - but there was too much blockage to get it out, so a cardiologist would be better able to tell how to drain it with an ultrasound completed.

I am very sad. I am tired of going to the doctors. My ma is sad, too, she doesn't want me being pricked and prodded at ... it sucks.

Please pray for me. Thank you.