Grieve not...

"Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk of me as though I were still beside you. I loved you so... it was heaven here with you."

One month ago today, at 4:45pm EST, I went to heaven.

My ma cries all of the time - even a month in - she can't seem to get used to the idea - or doesn't want to. A "new normal" is what she is waiting for, however, we all know, life will never be the same for her again.

My sister, Stivali, says she'll eventually pick up writing this blog. In the mean-time, my sister still looks for me, and is very sad. Her and mamma are still in mourning.

Ma was crying so much the day she watched me pass away; she was so angry and sad that she couldn't make me stay on earth anymore.  I heard her tell someone that her heart is broken, and that it will be broken forever.  I am sad she feels this way. I loved her so - and I know she loved me, and did the best she could for me.

It is not easy to leave the ones you love behind. It is harder on them than it is for me. I was tired, and a cure was not available for me.  For the couple of weeks leading up to my death, I had not been acting like my normal, affectionate, and fun self. I had a lot of trouble breathing, a lot of difficulty getting comfortable, and it was exhausting.  I was not friendly anymore, I did not feel like cuddling or playing. It made ma and Stivali very sad to witness (ma was crying often!). So, I knew it was time. Time for me to allow God to put his arms around me and introduce me to St Francis of Assisi.  The animal lover and protector.

Mamma keeps rehashing the horrific last half hour of my life, but I need her to stop doing that. I want her to only think of me as healthy and happy, and totally in love with her and the life she gave me.  I can see from where I am, that she is trying.  To help her heal through this, she looks at old photos of me.  She is trying very hard to get to the point of celebrating my life rather than grieving over it. She is just not there yet...

Here are some of her favorite photographs.

Getting ready to move from Lakeland, Florida to Winter Haven, Florida: October 2009.

Me with Zoe Girl in June 2009, we are now reunited in Heaven. 💗

My sister and I really like looking out windows. New Jersey: September 2013.

Lounging in Lakeland: 2009. 

Winter Haven, some time in 2011.

Happy window watching in New Jersey: April 2012. 

Me and my older bro, Kismet, in Ocala, Florida: June 2008.  We are together again in Heaven. 💗

Ma would not want me sharing this photo, but she secretly loves it of me: February 2012. 

Impossible for her to continue her writing with the two of us on her screaming, "Pay attention to us!!": December 2016.

Helping mamma study: April 2016.

I am adorable here: January 2016.

In Winter Haven, Florida. Something surprised me!: October 2011.

Modeling ma's Taylor Swift Cat Keds: June 2015.

Most comfortable condo ever: September 2013.  Aren't I funny? 🐱 

Of course there are many more. After all, I was mamma's Prince Charming for 10 years, 09 months, and 02 days. You think she doesn't have more photos of me? She has a thousand times a thousand.

But I have the best pictures of us. They're in my heart, soul, & mind. They'll be with me forever.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

"Let us not despair. God is like a looking glass in which souls see each other. The more we are united to Him by love, the nearer we are to those who belong to Him." -  Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, Patron Saint of Grief.

Who is gonna pay for all the catnip?

This is the question mamma asks us each morning when my sister and I are longingly looking at her as she leaves for work.
We know she hates leaving us to go to work. Part of the reason she agreed to keep Stivali years ago was for me to have a playmate, as I was alone for 16 months after my brother King Kismet passed away.
Ma has to go to work so she can buy us toys, food, treats, blankets, and catnip. We never have a shortage of any of these items at our house.
I would have been a movie star or a therapy cat had life allowed. Then I would have contributed to our household needs. I would have been very good at either occupation. I am extremely friendly and loving. I have been called a “Love Sponge” by many people. I just eat up all affection and ask for attention daily. As for acting, I think I could have been a big star. I would have brought happiness and joy to many people’s lives if I was an actor or a therapy cat. I know this.
The past couple of weeks, I have been tired and have not been as loving to anyone. I am not very talkative or active. I cannot eat crunchy food or treats anymore. I have skipped breakfast for a few days now and it makes mamma sad. I am just not as hungry as I once was, and must now maintain a soft food diet.
I had a good weekend, though. I purred and cooed and hung out with Stivali and ma, and we watched television together and it was a very nice weekend.  Aunt Cheryl visited us and it was very nice to see her, too. It was a good weekend. 

Sunday was a good day. I was happy and cozy.

Monday morning, I could not go down the stairs. They wind me and exasperate my CHF symptoms – specifically, my heavy breathing.  I have a precise method of walking, all cats do. It is called “direct registering”, wherein our hind paws fall almost exactly into the place our fore paws did before.  We cats walk like this to remain quiet and reduce the sightings of tracks. Plus, we are more stable in our footing as our fore paws have already felt out the upcoming steps for our hind paws. Pretty brilliant we are. However, this causes me to have to bolt up the steps or barrel down them. This is not good for my weak heart.
Mamma brought my food and water bowl upstairs for me. She also brought downstairs a litter box, just in case I came downstairs while she was at work and I couldn’t make it back upstairs.
All day I was shifting my position to find the most comfortable way to sit and relax. I did not sleep much at all, which is not normal cat behavior. I was uncomfortable all Monday and it led to a very hard evening. My labored breathing caused me to wheez, and I now make noise with each exhalation. This stinks.  Monday, I did not eat, but did end up vomiting bile and foamy liquid which caused my ma to start crying uncontrollably.  This stinks.

Today, my labored breathing kept me in bed for most of the day. I did not go downstairs for breakfast, and mamma administered my meds in the bedroom for the second day in a row. I did eat a minimal amount of soft food, but I stayed by myself upstairs for most of the day.  This stinks.

At 4 o’clock, my Nonno Tony came to visit me, and as soon as I heard his voice I went downstairs to greet him. He gives me really strong head pets and I really like them. J 

At 5 o’clock my Zia Marcella stopped by to see me so I really was social and happy for a couple of hours. Mamma was excited as I began to purr for the first time since Sunday night.  Once everyone left, I retreated back upstairs to be left alone and to rest. ☹
All I keep thinking about is at least ma will have my little sister when I go. I realize she is a Tuxedo, and Tuxedos are said to be very clever but they show less affection compared to Maine Coons. Tuxedos are infamous for having numerous momentary dealings with cats and humans, so that is going to be very different for my ma. I was loving all of the time, until I got sick.
Since I am not feeling so well, I will share some of my mamma’s favorite photos of me when I was healthy. Before the CHF diagnosis. 

My sister and I relaxing, 2012.

Contemplating life in 2011.

Enjoying a sun puddle. Circa 2012. 

Ma entered this into a pet photo contest and was shocked we did not win. 2013.

From that same photo shoot. 

She made a dirty joke about this one - like I got caught doing something I shouldn't. 2014.