"Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears, but laugh and talk of me as though I were still beside you. I loved you so... it was heaven here with you."
One month ago today, at 4:45pm EST, I went to heaven.
My ma cries all of the time - even a month in - she can't seem to get used to the idea - or doesn't want to. A "new normal" is what she is waiting for, however, we all know, life will never be the same for her again.
My sister, Stivali, says she'll eventually pick up writing this blog. In the mean-time, my sister still looks for me, and is very sad. Her and mamma are still in mourning.
Ma was crying so much the day she watched me pass away; she was so angry and sad that she couldn't make me stay on earth anymore. I heard her tell someone that her heart is broken, and that it will be broken forever. I am sad she feels this way. I loved her so - and I know she loved me, and did the best she could for me.
It is not easy to leave the ones you love behind. It is harder on them than it is for me. I was tired, and a cure was not available for me. For the couple of weeks leading up to my death, I had not been acting like my normal, affectionate, and fun self. I had a lot of trouble breathing, a lot of difficulty getting comfortable, and it was exhausting. I was not friendly anymore, I did not feel like cuddling or playing. It made ma and Stivali very sad to witness (ma was crying often!). So, I knew it was time. Time for me to allow God to put his arms around me and introduce me to St Francis of Assisi. The animal lover and protector.
Mamma keeps rehashing the horrific last half hour of my life, but I need her to stop doing that. I want her to only think of me as healthy and happy, and totally in love with her and the life she gave me. I can see from where I am, that she is trying. To help her heal through this, she looks at old photos of me. She is trying very hard to get to the point of celebrating my life rather than grieving over it. She is just not there yet...
Here are some of her favorite photographs.
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| Getting ready to move from Lakeland, Florida to Winter Haven, Florida: October 2009. |
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| Me with Zoe Girl in June 2009, we are now reunited in Heaven. 💗 |
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| My sister and I really like looking out windows. New Jersey: September 2013. |
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| Lounging in Lakeland: 2009. |
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| Winter Haven, some time in 2011. |
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| Happy window watching in New Jersey: April 2012. |
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| Me and my older bro, Kismet, in Ocala, Florida: June 2008. We are together again in Heaven. 💗 |
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| Ma would not want me sharing this photo, but she secretly loves it of me: February 2012. |
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| Impossible for her to continue her writing with the two of us on her screaming, "Pay attention to us!!": December 2016. |
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| Helping mamma study: April 2016. |
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| I am adorable here: January 2016. |
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| In Winter Haven, Florida. Something surprised me!: October 2011. |
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| Modeling ma's Taylor Swift Cat Keds: June 2015. |
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| Most comfortable condo ever: September 2013. Aren't I funny? 🐱 |
Of course there are
many more. After all, I was mamma's Prince Charming for 10 years, 09 months, and 02 days. You think she doesn't have more photos of me? She has a thousand times a thousand.
But I have the best pictures of us. They're in my heart, soul, & mind. They'll be with me forever.
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
"Let us not despair. God is like a looking glass in which souls see each other. The more we are united to Him by love, the nearer we are to those who belong to Him." - Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton, Patron Saint of Grief.
